3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
