The best revenge is premature balding
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I need moral support for this bender
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
