who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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