dude i'm inner monologue high
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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