I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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