i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
