I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
