You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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