My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
