I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My hand turned me down
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
