No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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