I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
