Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize