So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
