Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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