my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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