I'm passing your future prison.
Sober January is a disaster.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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