i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
