I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
