i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
someone owes me an orgasm
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
