Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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