4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
