My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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