i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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