I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
