census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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