so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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