When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
