Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
