Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
