census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
