I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
