probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
