saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just invented taco cereal.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
