Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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