and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
