words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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