All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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