so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
