i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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