its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You were trust falling into bushes
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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