i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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