apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
