What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize
