just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Randomize
