I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
