I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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