I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
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Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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