Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
