Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
