So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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