I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
