I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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