I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
