My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
