Im at strip club and am horny
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
