I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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