um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
